Yesterday was Labor Day and we were blessed to have been able to spend it with my husband's dad and stepmom and another friend of ours. They all came over to our home for dinner- we had fried fish, shrimp, corn on the cob, green bean casserole, and pumpkin dream cake. It was a wonderful way to welcome fall and enjoy a long weekend but what was even more wonderful was the conversation and friendship.
Whenever we get together with Nayte's dad and stepmom we typically have long conversations about current events and it often involves politics and race- let's face it, those ARE the current events of our day. Yesterday was no different.
I have been a part of these conversations for some time. Conversations where I have been the only white person at the table and I get a front row seat to REAL feelings, emotions, and experiences. I get to see highly educated black people talk about their past experiences, their present emotions, and their future hopes. This has been a huge part of my learning to navigate this world of race that I have since learned is more important than I used to think. I have been the only white person at the table not only with Nayte's family or some of our black friends' parties and gatherings, but also figuratively as I've been a part of conversations where white people take the back seat and sit back and listen to and are led by the experiences of people of color. I wish every white person would have this experience. Having deliberate, exposure to cultures of color is important to our personal growth to understand better our neighbors and fellow humans.
At some point during our conversation yesterday, our friend (he's white), said he didn't understand these things before or hadn't thought about them and he said these things make him angry! I've been there- I've been the person sitting at the table quietly listening getting angrier and angrier as I am schooled in a reality that is very different than what I knew. I felt lied to, betrayed, and sympathy at the plight of others. I think this is how my friend felt and it was a gift to have had that experience- I hope he understands that.
Listening humbly and taking it all in is what helped both my friend and I have a positive learning experience. Was it happy and uplifting? Not always. Were they putting white people down and talking about revolting and rising up and taking over? Goodness no. Were they talking about all the buildings they want to burn down and roads they want to black and how they want to kill police officers- NEVER. I cannot tell you specifics about our conversation because the conversation was just normal every day talk and discussion but what was said wasn't important. What was important was the authenticity of the conversation and the growth that ensued.
From my many times "at the table" I have learned:
- It is an honor to have people of color let me sit at the table in the first place.
- It is even more of an honor that they feel they are able to be authentic around me. They have no need for code switching. Code switching is when a black person changes how they behave or speak when in mixed race company so as to assimilate and fit in more. This is not necessarily out of respect but out of survival. If someone is code switching in front of you- they don't trust you. It's not a good thing.
- When I sit at the table, until I can show my "ally-ship" I have had to sit and listen many times and talk less and that's OKAY. I talk much more now as I have learned more from their experiences from these talks in the past.
- As soon as I or someone white questions or opposes them and their conversation, they will do one of three things: 1) Ask you to leave because they are hurt and/or offended 2) Code-switch and disengage from your friendship. They may be nice but they won't be intimate anymore. These two things are indicative of your being branded racist and untrustworthy. or 3) They may call you out on your racism. This is sometimes done harshly and may not seem warranted or fair. I have learned it is super important to not "tone police" and let them set you straight. Growing hurts but you come out of it better. Did you know that when a person of color takes the time to set you straight either by being nice or by yelling or another way it's because they at least CARE about you? So don't take it too badly if they get a bit upset at you. Racism strikes a nerve you can't quite understand.
- Their culture is different than the stereotype. Sure- there may be black people who are drug dealers, in jail, have no job, or who are teen moms and on welfare. However, there are people like this of ALL races. This is NOT black culture. Black culture, to me, from what I have observed, is strong family ties - they call everyone their cousin. It is a culture of oneness where if one hurts, they all hurt and they all stand together (this was a survival technique that was passed down from slavery). It is a culture of rhythm and movement. My family reunions look like a bridge club at a retirement home. They are quiet and boring and filled with people who are old or act old. Black family reunions are filled with music and dancing and even praise dancing and preaching. They talk about God more and are filled to the brim with soul food! This culture of coming together regardless of what someone is going through or doing (even if you don't agree with their life choices) is refreshing. Their funerals are long and loud, their weddings are jovial and fun, their gatherings are very different. THIS is black culture- not the stereotypes you think of.
All of these things and more I have learned as I have been a humble observer at the table of my friends of color. I hope and wish every white person could experience this a few times and would humbly accept their criticism when we fall short- because, we all do sometimes! Those friends who take the time to correct and give us a chance at redemption are the best friends of all.
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