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Let Yourself be Called Out for Racism- the Trouble with Tone Policing

 Something happened after George Floyd that caused a shift in response to racial injustices across the country.  More people were paying attention than ever before.  For some black people, it caused an awakening of their voices like never before.  This has sometimes led to some being more vocal in opposition to their friends, like me and you, and our ignorant or even combative comments and ideas.  

You see, sometimes, even though we are well-intended and think we are beyond needing correction about racism, we actually DO need correction.  It is a gift when our black friends or friends of color correct us because they don't have to.  They could just let us be ignorant and subconsciously racist or biased and just carry on- KNOWING that you have some deep seated ideas down in there.  Sometimes this results in their taking a step back from you and perhaps spending less time having real conversations.  Their trust may be broken and they don't feel comfortable telling you why.  If this happens to us, this is a problem! This is how friendships are lost.  

Why don't they feel comfortable confronting us? Because they think we can't handle it and it isn't worth their time.  It takes  A LOT for people of color to want to talk about their painful racist experiences and it takes a lot especially for them to want to talk about it on a personal level when they think you or I won't take the criticism well.  It makes them feel vulnerable and unless they believe that you WILL in fact take it and change with the criticism, they will most likely just revert to being more superficial friends.  

Black people get toned policed often.  This means that when we are told we are wrong by them we only want to be taught these things on our own terms.  We want them to tell us these things in a certain way using certain words with certain mannerisms and gestures.  Basically, we want them to tell us in as nice as way possible so we don't feel uncomfortable.  We forget then that we initially made THEM feel uncomfortable and hurt but that doesn't seem to matter.  We again are only caring about OUR feelings and pain.  If you want to be a true friend to a person of color and continue with the same depth of relationship as before and even deepen that friendship in the future- you HAVE TO TAKE CORRECTION IN ANYWAY IT IS GIVEN.  That may be hard.  That may be super uncomfortable. You may feel bad, guilty, or even like a bad person.  But if you listen to the criticism- you'll learn something.  If you act on it, you'll become better.  And they'll accept you back and accept you more because you aren't afraid to hear hard things and change.  

This whole movement is about change- changing hearts and changing our society.  We can't do that unless we are uncomfortable.  If a muscle is to be strengthened and changed, it must first be torn down THEN we can build it back up.  

The following video is great about describing more on this subject of Tone Policing.  



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